personal history

One of my brothers asked me to cover this next topic, and it’s something that I think about frequently. I came out as trans later in life; I chose my name when I was sixteen and started transitioning medically at twenty two. I have a lot of trans friends who also came out/started transitioning later in life, and the questions posed to me were: how do we talk about them from before they began transitioning? How do I refer to myself from before my transition? What’s the most respectful way to approach this? Obviously I am writing this from my own perspective first and foremost, but I will do my best to be as concise as possible. I will also be writing this essay in two parts. The first part will be advice for cis people on how to be respectful towards trans people and their personal histories, while the second part will be more discussion based and aimed towards other trans people. I felt that this approach would have the most cohesive result for the points I will try to make.

I want to talk about my own experiences first. As stated above, I initially came out at sixteen, and the one word that best sums up this period of my life is “confusing”. It was during this time that I began to experiment with my own idea of gender, and also when I first started to ask my close friends and family to call me “Finn”. It took a long time for me to reach a stage where I was comfortable with myself, but one of the biggest influences on that comfort was the acceptance of my friends and family. One of my brothers stopped using my deadname entirely, my cis friends would regularly check in and confirm they were using the pronouns that made me feel the most comfortable, things like that. Their initial support in these formative years of my life gave me more comfort and joy than I think they will ever realise, and I’m ever grateful for them.

Now I don’t acknowledge my deadname at all, and I find it disrespectful when people ask about it. Seeing or hearing it makes me uncomfortable, and while it isn’t the same for all trans people, it’s something to bear in mind for allies. There is always that possibility for discomfort, and wouldn’t it be best to try and avoid that where possible? There are two basic rules that I think everyone should follow: use the correct pronouns, and use their chosen name. It’s the simplest form of respect that can often be the most meaningful, and sticking to these rules ensures that. Every trans person is different, and has a different relationship with their gender. If you are close enough to the person, they may be open to questions about their feelings on it, and about their past. They may not be, and if they aren’t you have to respect that boundary. If you aren’t that close to them, consider if it is your place to ask questions. What may feel like harmless curiosity could be bringing them anxiety and pain. We are entitled to our privacy, and it isn’t our responsibility to educate you. The rules matter the most of all, especially, in my opinion, when the trans person isn’t there. Always use the correct name and pronouns, no matter what. There’s so many different things to consider, so that should always be in the forefront of your mind

It can be a fine line to tread. Personally, with close friends, I find myself more willing to talk and share. My childhood isn’t a taboo topic just because I didn’t know who I really was, but it would be a whole other matter if it were a new friend, or a stranger, asking me these questions. Especially online, trans people can be unfortunately subjected to incredibly invasive questions, usually transphobic strangers asking personal questions about our medical histories (which is no one’s business but our doctors and the people we choose to trust and tell). This can often lead to wariness about personal questions. If I felt like my friend would no longer see me as a man if they knew more about my childhood, firstly I wouldn’t be friends with them. Secondly, it would make me that much more hesitant to share anything with anyone. I see my childhood before I came out as a series of pictures in a frame, and the frame is a decorated collage of my life after I came out. When others look at the pictures, they need to acknowledge the context and framing of my present self. I want them to think of me as Finn, even when I wasn’t. I’m a man, and the only person you’re disrespecting when you don’t keep the frame in mind is me. An important thing to remember is that my life didn’t start when I came out or when I transitioned, it just got better.

Plenty of people knew me pre-transition, which is unavoidable. I lived in a town where most people knew each other, so I was bound to run into someone I wasn’t close with after coming out. This has happened multiple times now, and there have been good experiences and bad ones. The good ones used my chosen name, made sure I was comfortable, and then continued our conversation as normal. The ones that made me uncomfortable referred to my younger self with feminine language and didn’t make any effort to get to know who I am now. Both instances give me anxiety, but it was always a relief when people I barely knew treated me with respect to who I am now, rather than who they used to know. I’m the same person, but I’ve changed so much over the years that it’s easy to forget. I also tend to have more leniency regarding these matters with family and close friends. They are a part of my history and I personally don’t want to forget that. As long as they treat my present self with respect, I’m more than happy to talk about my past. 

These are only my feelings on the matter though. I encourage questions and comments so that I may expand my viewpoint and hear what other trans people prefer when it comes to this matter. There are so many different points to consider in our own histories, so I couldn’t possibly cover every topic in one essay. Also, if there are any points you wish me to expand upon, please let me know.